Mariani Dewi ,  THE JAKARTA POST ,  JAKARTA   |  Sun, 02/22/2009 10:39 AM  |  People

JP/R. Berto Wedhatama

The Religious Affairs Ministry announced earlier this month that the number of divorces in Indonesia has shot up 10 fold, from an average of 20,000 divorces per year to more than 200,000 per year over the past decade.  
 
The CEO of Jagadnita Consulting and an expert on family affairs, Clara Kriswanto, talked to The Jakarta Post this week about why divorces happen and how to avoid them. The following is an excerpt.  
 
The divorce rate is increasing in Indonesia. How have you witnessed the trend in your consulting sessions?

Yes. In the past when couples came through the doors they were more willing to try to save their marriage, which increased the chances of reconciliation. Recently, however, the situation is usually that one of them has had enough and just wants out.

Genders do not really matter. It can be the husband or the wife who wants reconciliation, but lately I see an increasing number of husbands initiating the counseling.

But of course there are still those who came in to get continue. I still have some in the process of reconciliation.

Of course there are some couples which still decided to get a divorce after counseling, but the sessions make them more ready to face life after divorce. If they have children, they have to know what to do with the children.

They may end up bringing their children in for counseling because children must know that if their parent’s divorce it does not mean that they lose their mother or father.

The parents must understand that although they are former spouses, there is no such thing as former parents. They still have roles and responsibilities together as parents so they must know  
how to resolve the conflict and suppress their ego for the children’s benefit.  
 
What’s the most common reason cited for those who want to save the marriage?

Usually it is for the children. But, it is not healthy if a marriage is only for the children and there is no other motivation.

To make it work well, there must be other glue – whether it is love or respect. Of course they can still stay together despite not having any other connection, but they will not set a good example for the children. Children will not learn about the warmness and value in family if their parents are cold to each other.

Children learn not from being told about what is family but from what they see happen to their parents. They will be able to put what they learn into their own relationship in the future.  
In the past, many couples have stayed married for the sake of the children, but this seldom worked.

Yes. But then the challenge was different. The world was not as open as it is now. Information and opportunities were limited. Even if one was unhappy with his/her spouse but still maintained the marriage for the children, they could just focus to their energy on their marriage and dedicate all their effort to the children.

In the past, people kept on trying to find ways to save the marriage. The unhappiness is handled or maybe accepted or pardoned by a sense of dedication. It might not make them love their spouse but overall the family may be happy. That’s the mechanism that time.

But now they have so many more options. They can talk to their friends, they can chat on the Internet, and they can join many activities. It is different level of challenge. When they are unhappy, it is easier to [stray]. It is maybe the side-effect of technology and the opening-up of the world for both men and women.

Now with so many more challenges, people give up more easily. Some couples are only married for a year and say they can’t handle it any more.

Maybe this is the result of a culture that wants instant result. People forget that marriage is a process. We cannot just say “I do” and hope everything turns out just the way you like it. Marriage does not work that way, there are phases.

There is the honeymoon phase, when everything looks great. Then there is the adaptation time where couples find out things that were covered up. Afterward is the quiet time.

But this is the time when couples should be careful. It can be quiet because everything falls into place, but it can also be because of boredom – couples give up on conflict, give up on changing another.

This is the time that often catches one spouse off guard. This is the phase when “I thought we are okay” can be a false perception.

Becoming complacent like this is not good because, instead of trying to understand and communicate, the feelings are just suppressed. If this challenge is overcome, the couple will be a team.

How should couples get through this “quiet time”? In this open-minded time, why are feelings suppressed?

You’ve got to understand why it is suppressed. There are ways out there for one partner to express themselves, maybe by talking to a friend. One must be careful about this too because having a close friend sometimes develops into an affair.

Or they can just work endlessly if they do not like to be home with their spouse. There are a lot of solutions outside the house but this kind of escape does not solve problems.

How can they be solved?  
 
There must be special time – say an anniversary or birthday – when both partners become introspective and examine the relationship to ask questions like “are we where we aimed to be when we started the relationship?”

Both have to be daring enough to ask for feedback from the other — “how am I doing?” and “can I give my feedback?” 
 
Does a women’s understanding of her rights play a part?

Yes. Women more acutely understand what they want. This is good but it must also be used the right way to improve internally [the marriage]. They can pursue their career but they must not neglect family life.

But it does not mean we have to go back to the past and say women cannot go out. It all comes back to the communication between the two. Each has to communicate what they want with their lives together.  
 
Are there changes in the way Indonesian men view their wives?

Yes, there are changes. One of my clients, a man, said he had given his wife the chance to pursue study overseas and have a career. But influenced by traditional values, he forgot that by giving his wife the chance to go out, he had to support her internally in the marriage. Instead he still demanded the same things at home like expecting her to help the children with their homework and tidy up the house.

So the woman was so busy outside and when she came home her husband still demanded a lot. He asked where her dedication to the family was while he himself did not help a bit. So there is a gap.

The sharing of the financial responsibility must come together with the sharing of chores and taking care of the children.

These are the things that have to be talked about by the couple to avoid going overboard by internalized dissatisfaction.

It is too bad that if something that is not a major difference becomes an unbridgeable problem and spirals into a difference of principles.

Does anyone come to you saying that their husband wants a polygamous relationship?

I personally do not believe in polygamy. Setting the religious value aside, the effort to make one-to-one relationships work – to communicate – is hard enough; how can one work with two, or three, or four partners? If they can do it, good for them.

There was one female client who came in after suffering from anxiety attacks that her husband may want polygamy. Then I asked her if she ever talked about what polygamy means to him or about the meaning of honesty, commitment, openness and loyalty to him.

If there are no gaps in communication these should be able to be chatted about casually.  
Ideally these are the basic things that must be talked about before marriage. Although people change, at least it reduces the risk of having a mismatch. If you think you cannot accept it, you can end it before having a divorce.

The worse-case-scenario, “what if” questions must be asked. Ask what if I cant have children? So you will know how important a child is to your partner and prepare yourself accordingly if you cannot bear a child. The next question is then, are you willing to commit despite knowing this risk?  
 
Do you see financial independent as a source of conflict too?

I worked with a couple who did not know how much the other earned and made their own assumptions. They ended up quarrelling because they thought the other behaved the way they did because of their income. But when I asked them, they admitted they did not know how much the other earned.

They just made assumptions and lived with a ‘yours and mine’ concept.

Healthy couples are the ones who have the concept of “we” — Because “we” means unity, without reducing self-identity.

No one is to say “my idea is better than your idea” in family affairs; there should only be “our” idea.

With “we”, your income and mine is our income to reach our common goal as a family.

The concept of you and I creates distance which may result in separate financial dealings. Separate dealings are okay – say your income will be used for this and mine for that – as long as they are eventually for the benefit of the family.

After all, in getting married usually people set a common goal like having a happy family.